So we had a blizzard Sunday night into Monday morning, wind gusts were recorded in the 60mph range, we got a foot and a half of snow.
I hate snow
and please don’t tell me that I live in New England and should expect and BE USED to snow…do I advise people in SanFransisco that they should get used to earthquakes? I love New England 9 out of 12 months..I hate December, January and February…March is questionable with icy mud and cold St Patricks Day parades…seriously who can drink beer when it’s 35 degrees and your standing 6 people deep in a small town parade?
ok…I can..but it’s cold
So my ex asked me to help shovel her out at 3am Monday morning, the wind was fierce, it was snowing so hard you couldnt even see the car I was trying to shovel out. But I helped her and fell back into bed to wake a few hours later in a huge wet spot….I fell asleep with my snowy covered clothes on. And, honestly, waking up in any cold, wet spot is just a bad way to start the day.
My girlfriends dad says “Don’t do a good thing because you expect something in return. Do it because it’s the right thing to do.” and he’s right because that nasty bitch ex of mine came home bitching and moaning that I didnt shovel out the entire driveway.
I have a jeep…I put that bitch in 4WD and rolled over the snow banks…
I don’t like holidays…the big ones, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, anything where people gather and celebrate used to give me the heebie jeebies. I always felt like a ghost wandering around those holiday hoo hahs…seriously wearing taffeta and being a ghost do not go hand and hand, alright so it was not taffeta it was a red dress from Talbots, tea length, scoop neck, hints of winter white for the season…I loved that dress, and I was a size six, so who could argue with that…back to my story, so I looked great but I was attending a party where the only reason I was invited was I happened to be married to number one son…the adorned one…he that the light from above shines on..mommies boy, for lack of a better term…and while he was being fabulous, I was being forgotten, more often then not, I would spend those formal holiday parties outside with the dogs in my $300 dress drinking beer and throwing a doggie drool laden tennis ball……it was preferrable to wandering around a house full of people ignoring you.
That was married, when I got into a relationship with this insane snatchmonkey, it was the same thing, but a wee bit different, her family adored me, I was social and spoke proper english, could carry on a conversation, didn’t have that horrid Boston accent, and have an actual, true to gawd college edgecatshun..infact, for awhile I actually walked on water…but like all fireworks the spark died, my girlfriend took her place as domineering bitch and I as whipped puppy dawg…and I spent holidays with her family wandering around in jeans and buttondowns being ignored because no one in her family really liked her, and I was an attachment, like a well educated colostomy bag.
I think holidays are so pumpped up with expectations that OFCOURSE you are going to be disappointed if your not giddy 24/7 and delieriously happy from the day after Halloween till February 15th…your supposed to be happy and shit out Christmas ornaments (as a very funny young lady said). I don’t poop tinsel, although I did have a black lab who did after eating the gingerbread cookies off of the tree, glitter coming out of a dog anus is not as festive as you may believe it should be.
I spent this Christmas with my girlfriend, and she had to spend it away from her children because its not ‘her weekend’ although she did go spend some time with them Christmas morning. She feels like home to me and that is so not sexy, but with her I am comfortable and happy, and I am telling you, those deep brown eyes of hers look right into my soul, and I feel loved.
finally
this was the view from where we stayed, it was beautiful, but it’s not our home, and I want us to be able to be at home on Christmas and be able to have her kids over. This will come, and we both know…this was the last Christmas that we will not be living together and eating crunchy french toast stuffed with raspberry preserves on Christmas morning….in boots and fuzzy socks
Not many people remember that Lucifer was an angel, in Ezekiel 28:12
“You were the signet of perfection,[a] (D) full of wisdom and(E) perfect in beauty.”
Before I explain to you whyI actually find the bible an interesting read, let me make my point, even Lucifer started with a good attitude. But shit happens, circumstances are thrust on you and you react, and most times the reactions are based cumulative past experiences not the reality of the situation you find yourself in. I know Lucifer had issues. I don’t hate the bad guy because no one starts off bad…the bad guy is bad for a reason….and who determines ‘bad’ anyway, who’s to say that gawd wasn’t bad becuase he cast Lucifer out of heaven when he should have sent him to therapy? Bad is amplified hurt, crunched into a fist, and cocked back to a dangerous point. But that’s only my opinion and everyone knows, opinions are like…….bellybuttons
Today started out pretty good…I was warm, I had my bed hat on, my slippers, my bed mittens and I was pretty toasty. The sun was just coming up, that repulsive snatchbasket of an x was gone, and I had things to do and people to see. Although I was missing my girlfriend pretty badly, and I tell myself that each moment that passes will be the last December 5th that I will spend apart from her.
Honestly if I was someone else, I would be making fun of me. Seriously I am stereotypically, pie eyed, goofball, forgetful, clumsy in love. If I wore a cape I would drape it over a mud puddle so she wouldn’t have to step in it…but I don’t wear capes, nor would I ever..that is juts bad fashion…capes…lawd. But in the past I was known to be very doubtful of love. Love comes with conditions and demands and obligations, and toleration of cruelty, and a constant giving up of oneself just to make peace when the situation became too uncomfortable, “ok I give in just stop berating me, or making fun of me, or yelling, or interrogating, or DEMANDING intimacy” My x sucks.
I used to have a fairly popular blog , x didn’t like it because she thought I was sleeping with all 400 daily readers of the blog. So I took it down, something that I worked at for years I took down because x didn’t like it. And yet she still accused me of cheating.
Which is what she was doing..
Shes gross
but I needed a place to live remember.
And she steals and she cheats people and she lies to get what she wants..no wonder I took 3 showers a day, I needed to get the filth of her existence off of me.
Yesterday she was standing in my doorway asking for money, which is the only conversation she is capable of. And as we were talking our breath was making vapor plumes in the air, and I yessed her to death.
Something in my clicked today, it was the last ounce I had of acting civil towards her. I found out some nasty things shes been doing just as an attempt to make my life miserable and I decided I was through, she wants to be nasty.
Living well is the best revenge and I have the one thing she craves but will never have. An open honest loving relationship.
So haha enjoy your space heater and your attempt at social adequacy…remember I know what your really like…admitting to me that you had zero self-esteem was oh so silly….gawd I love drunken sad people.
My X reminds me almost everyday that I am an inconveinient piece of furniture in this house. On the rare weekends that I am actually here she rolls her eyes and says she has to readjust her plans because she was going to have ‘friends’ over.
right.
I am hard pressed to believe that she would invite people over.
It’s 47 degrees in the house..most people would find that uncomfortable. She would rather go to someone elses house and soak up there heat and hospitality.
Last night I decided to go into Boston for a late supper, and while sitting on the train I came to realize I was only going to Boston to not be at the house, not be occupying the same living space X does…but I’m usually the one that leaves, and I didnt like that, so I turned around and came back to this place, this 47 degree, dark, unwelcoming space and listened to Debbie Gibson on my IPOD…yes I like Debbie Gibson, lit some candles for warmth and light and reminded myself that this is temporary.
Friday was a good day.
I got to help my girlfriend move her stuff.
I got to meet her dad….and he was charming. I give him alot of credit..lets be honest our situation cannot be the easiest to digest and he was a perfect gentleman.
Today is Saturday..I am sitting on the back porch..because even in December in New England outside is warmer then the house (I kind of think thats funny)..oh heres a picture of me and how I sleep at night
That is my bed hat! One good thing about a Tempurpedic is that it conserves body heat, so once I get over the initial shock of resting on an ice cube…the bed keeps me fairly warm..but I still have to wear thermals.
I am fortunate enough to have a few friends I can call at any point in time and for any reason and they will listen to me blah, blah, blah…it doesn’t matter what the subject matter may be, they listen…and not that polite listening “Yeah, yes exactly! I know exactly what you’re talking about.” not like that.. but truthful engaging conversation and an empathy that is palpable. One is a friend I grew up with in New York, she is a beautiful person and I know that we have been friends together in numerous lifetimes..yeah don’t get me started on reincarnation, seriously I thought I was Eva Peron in another life, but thats only because I have a strong desire to rule the unwashed masses and have Broadway musicals created in my honor.
But anyway theres my NY friend from childhood
and there is Yuckie
I’m not kidding, her nickname is Yuckie, and she prefers to be called that..it’s due to her last name Yuckosomethingorother not due to any unchecked hygienic issue. I met her when we were 20somethings 20something years ago, she told me she thought the most important thing she was going to do was be a good person. What 20 year old says that? I wanted to drink 100 pints of Guiness to be the first woman with her name on the revered wall of a local Irish bar at 20 something, and here was this young woman being amazing…I remember when she made her proclamation to me, it stopped me dead, she said it so matter of factly, so definitely and I knew as soon as it came out of her cake hole she was going to live an awesome life.
Why the fuck she’d move to Wisconsin is beyond me.
She said it was important that she wanted to help people who had nothing. She has a community outreach center somewhere in the gawdforsaken state…but we speak every once in awhile when our situations in life get out of control or more truthfully FEEL out of control.
“Hello Yuckie, I am falling apart.”
and we talk at 4am because she can’t sleep and I can’t sleep
because I need to be an emotional wreck to someone a few thousand miles away because it’s safer for me, and she knows that. So she listened, and then she advised me…
“Stop being such a pussy”
I love my friends
And just as those words of wisdom came out of Yuckies head, my girlfriend drove up…and I am reminded that being a pussy is a luxury that I cannot afford right now…
Last night my girlfriend and I went out to dinner, she stepped out of the car, turned and smiled at me and for a second I lost my breath, and it felt wonderful to want someone and love someone so completely, I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky.
We are headed to New York tomorrow for the holiday…we have a 7:30am ferry, which means we have to get up at 3:30 to leave by 4, this will not be pretty. I’ve done it before a bunch of times, it’s just the thought of getting up so early and driving 2 hours in the cold pitch dark..yuck, winter.
I think I would mind the cold less if my Jeep had heat, or not mind the early evenings so much if I had a drivers side headlight…missing courtesy of some idiot named vanessa who mad a left hand turn into my path. A true class A bimboid, but thats a different story.
I have work to do, I have to pack, and I have to fax some resumes, and somewhere in another town there is a beautiful woman waiting for me.
